Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that I have always believed in, but struggled with at times.  I’ve always been independent and 100% okay writing a friend (or family member) off if they crossed me the wrong way or hurt someone I love.  This tendency to be stubborn and hold a position come hell or high water seems to be hereditary, and inherited from both my maternal and paternal DNA.  Regardless of where it comes from, I struggle with a disorder that results in my being stubborn and unforgiving at times.  I have a tendency to remember the times I have felt wronged, key in on the flaws of others and cling tighter to my convictions about the shortcomings of others than I do the ever important need to forgive others in order to find peace in my own life.

It wasn’t but a month ago, sitting on my parents’ couch, when my little sister began lecturing me about how I needed to forgive an uncle who I felt had wronged my family.  She was teary eyed, and completely pissed off at my lack of compassion and response that she “didn’t understand” what had gone on between her uncle and the rest of the family.  I told her to forget about it, it’s done and gone.  Thinking back to that conversation, I was totally wrong.  First, I have always hated when people tell me that I “don’t understand” why or how a relationship or any problem has come to its current state.  Also, it doesn’t freaking matter what happened to get to that point.  Little Sis was right, I was being a stubborn ass, and definitely not being a very good example of how a man should forgive those who have wronged him or wronged those he loves.  I’m no theologian, but I paid enough attention in New Testament class to know that Jesus took forgiveness seriously and my heart has not been in the right place by holding on to hatred for multiple members of my family, my own stinking blood, for so many years.  Whether a function of my stubborn personality or a rotten heart, I had found more peace in writing off a whole segment (large %) of my family as opposed to making peace, coming back together and loving one another again.

There is plenty of back-story on how the relationship got to where it got, but I won’t waste your whole evening with one side of a two-sided story.  Instead, I want to tell you a more productive story.  About four years ago, three years after the straw that broke the camel’s back in our relationship with my uncle, I had a dream.  Now, I don’t know how you feel about dreams, but I am 100% positive that God can speak through dreams.  Anyways, about 4 years ago, I had a dream.  In my dream, I walked up some stairs and saw a bright light behind a human I thought to be my dad.  But, it wasn’t, it was instead my uncle who was sitting by my dad.  I was mad, even in my dream.  Why were they sitting by each other?  What is he doing here?  Well, in my dream, I asked him, “Why are you here?”  Then, he just looked at me, smiled and said, “It’s all better now.  You don’t have to worry about it anymore,” as he nodded his head.  I will never forget his face in that dream.  Light behind his head, sincere smile, glasses and a very peaceful demeanor.

I woke up from this dream in a bit of a panic, heart racing.  It was the middle of the night, and this wasn’t my first experience with God speaking through a dream.  I immediately thought of my grandmother, who has been very hurt, as any mother would be, with turmoil in her family.  I called her the next day, and told her about the dream.  Momma Cissy has always had great faith, and the sweetest heart of anyone I will ever meet (maybe a tie with my mom and wife, maybe).  After I finished telling her about the dream and how I believed that God wanted her to know that one day everything would be okay, she hit me with something heavy.  She said, “Dusty, that dream wasn’t for me, it was for you.”  She then proceeded to tell me how she had been praying for God to soften my heart and allow me to forgive my uncle so I could find peace.  She knew that God was answering her prayer for me, and that it was time for me to let it go, and fill my heart with love and forgiveness so I could find peace.

Even though I had complete faith and respect for the words of my awesome grandmother, I didn’t let it sink in, and sure as heck didn’t let anything go.  I kept hating, kept telling myself that I was justified in my stance and wasted so much of my thoughts focusing on my reasons for being pissed at those who I felt had done the ones I love so wrong.  I basically told God I didn’t care what he had to say, I was angry and that’s all folks.  I don’t know why or how, but our family stayed completely split for almost seven years.  SEVEN.  I realize that everyone with a family has similar stories, but damn, I lost half of my family for seven years, we all lost our family.  I also completely ignored God and rarely prayed for my uncle during this period of time (even though my wife told me to), which is dumb. 

To keep this story from taking all night, let me jump to last week.  After a random encounter with his dad, with an embrace full of emotion and heavy hearts from both parties, my uncle took the huge step to make amends with all of my family.  I was skeptical, to say the least, when I heard what he was doing.  He ended up talking with many of the other members of my family prior to talking to me, and all of them were looking at me like, what the heck is Dusty going to say.  I guess my family knows me well, and didn’t know if I would be able to forgive and forget like they can.  We ended up meeting at the taxidermy studio, in what I thought would be one of the more awkward and angry conversations of my life.  But, God didn’t want it to go down like that.  Fate would have it that I sat in a low chair and my uncle sat on a barstool.  When we sat down, I looked up and saw the same face, same glasses, same backlighting, same smile, same nod of the head and the same peace that was in my dream four years prior.  It hit me hard, and we both sat there and let everything go at once.  Almost seven years of anger, hate and avoiding each other, gone instantly.  Completely gone.

This has been a huge weight lifted off both of our shoulders.  I got my uncle back, he got his family back, and everyone is excited about catching up.  It’s experiences like this that really show me the love of Jesus.  I mean, he forgives me for stuff all the time.  My wife forgives me all the time.  My parents forgive me all the time.  My friends forgive me all the time.  Forgiveness.  Forgiveness.  Forgiveness.

Contrary to human nature, there is strength in surrendering your anger, hate and aggression for love, compassion and open-mindedness.  This has been a huge learning experience for me, and I hope that I have learned enough not to repeat the same mistake with others in the future.